角落:母亲欣赏派对

角落:母亲欣赏派对

大卫埃普斯顿

我可以很容易地追溯到我与朱莉和她13岁的儿子布兰登的会面。我记得我读过入院工作人员关于转诊的笔记,提到了“发脾气”。那时候,我已经非常熟悉各种各样的发脾气方式,这些年来,我一直在开发和试验我的“发脾气派对方法”来应对这种过分的行为但我必须承认,对于朱莉对布兰登发脾气的担忧的历史和背景,我完全没有准备。

朱莉,尽管她年龄40岁左右,但看起来好像她厌倦了生命本身。在第一次会议上,她立即告诉我她被认为是Brandon的音高的背面故事。她遇到并结婚的布兰登的猕猴桃海外,然后移民到新西兰,为这对夫妇提供家。他是一个国际商人,旅游从新西兰带走了各种时期。从他们的婚姻的开始甚至更加在布兰登的出生之后,他会尖叫,重温,如果没有迫切地参加任何致命或要求,那就击败了她。殴打频繁,往往导致需要医疗治疗的伤害。然而,她宽容这一点,因为她对她的儿子长大的渴望有一个父亲,她认为没有什么,她无法忍受看到这种渴望的人来通过。在她丈夫海外缺席期间,她决心向她唯一的孩子献身,做一切想象力来促进他的倡议。在新西兰的父亲住所,她谈到了布兰登如何撤回她所称的“一种隐藏自己的隐藏”。当我询问他是否有一种讲话时,布兰登确实同意,在他的母亲的照顾之下,在他父亲的时期,在他父亲的时期,在他父亲的时期之下 As I might have expected, mother and son looked very kindly towards one another throughout this discussion.

However, Brandon went on the alert when Julie said that when Brandon turned 11 and, as she put it, “started having a mind of his own” and was no longer willing to obey his father’s commands as he had once been willing to do, his father started to turn his attention to his son and chastise him for each and every per- ceived breach of his orders. According to her, she did everything in her power to deflect his father’s attentions away from Brandon. No matter how hard she tried she could not be successful for very long and would be threatened by him “to stay out of this. It’s got nothing to do with you!” As she dreaded, finally he started beating Brandon. This became unbearable to her given her devotion to her son, especially when she observed how he had started “going into hiding all the time, even when his father was overseas.” Despite her desire for her son to be raised by a father, she finally decided the violence her son was suffering was unconscionable and fled to a women’s refuge during one of her husband’s over- seas trips. Again as I might have expected, mother and son looked very kindly towards one another throughout this discussion.

这种情况很快就发生了戏剧性的变化。朱莉继续说下去时,她那直截了当、坚定有力的说话方式被一种犹豫所取代,仿佛她在竭力不去冒犯布兰登,而且几乎在每一个字斟句酌之后,她似乎都在和他商量。我很快就知道,她这样推诿搪塞是有充分理由的。她告诉我,自从他们开始独立生活以来,如果布兰登的每一个怪念头或要求得不到立即满足,他就会对她尖叫、辱骂、殴打她。事实上,“他叫我的名字和他父亲一模一样!”也许朱莉告诉我的事情让我很吃惊,当布兰登爆发出一种只能称之为尖叫的情绪时,我已经不再关注他了。这种情绪如此强烈,以至于我首先想到的是隔壁治疗室里的其他家庭和他们的孩子。我从座位上跳起来,向他跑去:“快,把手给我!”这是紧急情况!你把其他治疗室的孩子吓坏了!”他猝不及防,暂时停止了尖叫,让我握着他的手。 “You are going to be okay! Just slow your breathing and count down after me . . . 10 . . . 9 . . . 8” and so on. There were long pauses between each number. He recovered his equanimity and reassured me that we could proceed. Julie told me, watching Brandon out of the corner of her eye, that such events as I had just witnessed occurred between 10 and 15 times a day whenever he disagreed with anything she said or in response to any of her requests of him. The disheartened look on her face, which for good reason she didn’t dare to speak aloud, suggested several queries to me: “Is this my fate? Was every beating I endured to provide him with a father and every beating I accepted to cover up for him for nothing?”

当布兰登被他母亲的一些评论冒犯时,又发生了四次无法控制的尖叫,每一次我都能通过某种“紧急反应”来处理。朱莉还提到了她一贯忠实的政策:“我决定永远不会对布兰登说他父亲的坏话!”我转向布兰登,问他是否能“承受”了解“关于你母亲的真相,即使她的真相可能与你父亲的真相大不相同?”不知道接下来会发生什么,他暂时同意了。知道我们所有人都在冒的风险,并不断寻求布兰登的同意,继续进行进一步的调查,我采访了朱莉,关于她如何“找到办法,让你承担了对布兰登的打击,而他逃脱了惩罚。”我仔细观察到,布兰登聚精会神地听着,没有任何评论。在详细叙述了几件事情之后,我转向布兰登问他:“在此之前,你知不知道你母亲会如此不遗余力地承受那些本来会落到你头上的打击?”他承认这对他来说是全新的。“你介意告诉我这是否会改变你对你的母亲的看法吗?”他承认确实如此,我觉得有点不好意思。 “Would you be willing to tell me what kind of mother you thought you had before knowing her ‘truth’?,” I asked. Before he could answer, I quickly turned to Julie and asked if she would allow him to tell his “truth” to her and “not think unkindly of him.” She gave her permission to go ahead: “Say what you really think. Don’t worry, Brandon! I had to keep it from you!” Brandon shamefacedly told us that he had thought his mother was “just plain dumb.” “Has your mother’s ‘truth’ made you have second thoughts about your mother’s stupidity?” He nodded ignominiously. “Julie, did you play dumb so Brandon could go unharmed?” She admitted to having done so.

虽然我不会在这里详细介绍“发脾气的派对方法”,布兰登欣然参与不仅考虑它,但委托我继续其介绍他没有任何延误。我的猜测是,我向他母亲提供了“如果他在离开这栋楼后再发脾气,我就给他双倍的钱担保”,这对他的影响也不大。我记忆犹新的是,当他的母亲被要求为他的“大发脾气派对”录制或录像时,他的反应。他毅然告诉她:“省你买电池的钱吧!并发誓:“我这辈子再也不会发脾气了!”朱莉难以置信地盯着他。我对自己笑了笑,有几分自信。

当他们几个星期后回来时,他确实履行了他的誓言。毫不奇怪,我们回顾了他是如何每天发10到15次脾气的,所有这些都与他父亲的脾气非常相似,就像他母亲所说的“让我的儿子回来”。我还以为永远失去他了呢!”她高兴得哭了起来,而布兰登对自己和我们的陪伴都感到自在多了。我能放松对他的警惕。

我们又一次讨论他是如何明白他的母亲为了给他提供足够的照顾和保护而忍受了多大的痛苦。我们也谈到了朱莉因他的发脾气而感到绝望和绝望,并承认曾考虑过采取孤注一掷的措施。布兰登现在非常愿意承认他非常关心她的健康,尽管在他发现她的“真相”之前,他承认他对她的关心是理所当然的。他从来不认为她是为了他而牺牲自己,而只是在履行自己的职责。当朱莉向我保证,她感觉到我非常感激她为布兰登所做的牺牲时,我请求她允许我“私下”与他交谈,然后又加了一句“而且是偷偷地”。我与他们双方商定了一个有条件的保密协议——“暂时保密”。我加了一条附加条款,并直接对朱莉说:“我向你保证,在适当的时候,我和布兰登秘密讨论的所有事情都会完全告诉你!”这引起了一些阴谋,如果布兰登皱起的眉头可以作为线索的话,因为他还不知道我们到底要保守什么秘密。但是,朱莉咧着嘴笑着,欣然同意我们继续前进,匆匆地把我们留在后面,向候诊室走去。

“布兰登,你介意靠近我的椅子吗?你介意我靠近你的椅子吗?“我善意地看着他,问:“你担心你母亲的幸福吗?”他同意。“你有没有脱离你自己的蝙蝠的任何东西,以便从她的痛苦中提供一些救济吗?”事实上,他已经制定了一些补救行动。“你觉得你的茶是让你母亲足以让她放心她的痛苦吗?”他承认,茶杯不如他希望的那么有效。然后我将主题从他的补救措施的不足之处改变了一个非常热情地调查:“顺便说一句,你有没有听说过惊喜的母亲欣赏派对?”毫不奇怪,他不得不承认从未听说过这样的事件。 But he did know something about the concept of a “surprise party.” From the outset of this conversation, I found myself regularly appending to every line of inquiry: “If we do not keep it a secret, how can it be a surprise?” I then asked if he might forego his current remedy on behalf of his mother’s well-being and instead would he be willing to consider a “surprise mother appreciation party.” Brandon seemed relieved by the promise of such an event, even without knowing any specific details.

“你去过派对吗?”布兰登回顾了他的出席各方。“即使你仍然在黑暗中关于'惊喜的母亲欣赏派对',你还知道派对的展览会吗?你觉得有什么普通的日常派对?“我们想出了邀请和客人,食物和饮料,通常是为了像复活节,圣诞节或生日那样庆祝的东西。然后我们在编写邀请之前设定了弄清楚了来宾列表。“你认为你想邀请邀请令人惊讶的派对来欣赏你的母亲作为一个美妙的母亲吗?您认为谁将希望对她确保您的护理和保护的所有牺牲表现出她的欣赏?“Aunty Jenny突出了一个对朱莉的强大倡导者,并在她的飞行和重新住房中辅助她。“你认为你可以秘密联系Aunty Jenny,并找出她是否会来的话?” By the end of this meeting, we had a list of invitees whom Brandon promised to “secretly” contact between sessions.

At our next meeting, once again “private and secret,” which meant Julie was excluded for most of it, I was not surprised to learn that Aunty Jenny and Julie’s best friend, Beth, a former neighbor, had insisted on assisting Brandon with the preparations. Brandon had already come up with a list proposing the food and drinks and how Aunty Jenny and Beth were organizing that along the lines of “bring a drink/plate.” Brandon reported considerable momentum towards the scheduled date that they had agreed upon. “By the way, Brandon, how are you doing keeping the ‘mother appreciation party’ secret so it will turn to be a surprise?” Brandon laughed with pleasurable mischief, telling me all the subterfuges he had gotten up to avoid detection. I suspected Julie knew something was up but was allowing him free reign here. Conspiring together like this had allowed Brandon and me to draw even closer, and we were by now very at ease with one another.

不过,我对我的下一个问题还是有些保留:“我想你一直在想,在一个感谢母亲的惊喜派对上,你是如何去感谢母亲的?”他承认自己“一点也不知道”。让我感兴趣的是,他随后问我是否有什么想法。“我有,但你这个年龄的儿子能做什么,你可能会感到惊讶。”他催促我继续下去。“嗯,据我所知,在你母亲惊喜聚会上表达你对她的感激的唯一方法就是发表‘感谢母亲讲话’!”他说不出话来,这给了我足够的时间补充一句:“嘿,别担心!这比你想象的要简单。我会问你感谢母亲的问题,你会用感谢母亲的答案来回答。在演讲的过程中,我会做笔记,然后打印出来作为你的演讲稿。 You might even give it to your mum afterwards so she can keep it with your baby photographs and other stuff she keeps as memories.” We agreed on another appointment to have all the time we required to “write a speech your mother will never forget as long as she lives.” We then summoned Julie into the room and sought her permission for just one more private and secret meet- ing. Julie said that would be fine. She laughed aloud telling us: “You can have as many secret meetings as you guys need. Brandon has become so much more willing to help me around the house and accept my rules. Whatever you guys are doing secretly is working!”

除了准备布兰登的“母亲欣赏演讲”之外,我们还讨论了如何确保它是一个“惊喜派对”。他煮了一个有jenny把母亲带到早期电影的想法。他和贝丝将确保所有客人都在回家之前抵达,并且不见了。他们的车将停在街区周围,以免警告朱莉。

我从来没有亲自参加过这样的庆祝活动,但我迫不及待地想听到布兰登的消息,他答应在惊喜派对的第二天“第一件事”就给我打电话。我听说进展顺利,在我的要求下,他给朱莉打了电话。“是惊喜吗?”我问。她告诉我这是她这辈子遇到的最好的惊喜。我邀请他们最后一次见面,告诉我一切。那是我第一次开完派对后的会议,当然那和其他类似的会议是我职业生涯中最难忘的一些事件。

派对后会议的高潮是布兰登同意在朱莉面前向我重读他的“惊喜母亲感谢致辞”。他向他妈妈要,她从密封在塑料袋里的钱包里拿出了钱。她把它交给了我,就像一个受迫害的宗教人士在秘密地向一个同教者展示一件圣物。我问他能否站起来面对他的母亲。我敢肯定他们又一次友好地看着对方。他犹豫了一下,清了清嗓子才开始说话。

在座的各位,我想让你们知道我为什么计划在珍妮阿姨和贝丝的帮助下为我妈妈组织了一个惊喜的妈妈答谢派对。我很感激她所做的一切,她可以确保我的照顾和保护。你们大多数人都知道我父亲会对我母亲大喊大叫,骂她难听的名字,而且会因为任何事情痛打她。她必须服从他的命令,如果她不服从他的命令,那么他就会以这个理由来伤害她,殴打她,有时还伤害她。我很害怕,但她总是确保我的安全,把我藏在我的房间里。当他在国外的时候,我现在意识到她竭尽所能让我相信自己。她说爸爸和我们住在一起的时候,我就躲起来了,我猜她是想让我在爸爸不在家的时候表现出自我。也许她知道我长大后会发生什么,当我父亲命令我做事时,她不会总是马上做所有的事情。然后他开始对我大喊大叫,骂我。没过多久,他也会打我,即使不像妈妈的病那么严重。 Then my mum started getting stupid. Or at least that is what I thought at the time. She would do really obvious things that would get her a beating when it was me who was at fault. Like the time I ate all the ice cream not knowing my father would come home on an earlier flight. And my father had to have ice cream for pudding or else. I told mum what I had done and she just smiled and told me to stay in my room. I heard my father screaming, and she said that it was her fault and that she had wanted to eat some ice cream. This made him scream louder and hurt her more. She kept doing lots of stupid things like this.

就在一个多月前,我妈妈告诉我她这么做是为了保护我的安全。我感到很羞愧,因为在我们住进妇女收容所之后,我开始尖叫,用和他一样的名字叫我妈妈。我也打了她。我演讲的一个原因是想告诉你们我有多羞愧,我多么希望我的妈妈知道我有多尊敬她,因为她把我从父亲的暴力中拯救了出来。她受苦是为了不让我受苦。在座有谁能想出一个更好的理由让我这个年纪的儿子举办一个惊喜派对来感谢他的母亲?当我长大了,也许有了自己的儿子,我希望我的母亲会像对我一样对他好。每个人都喝一杯,然后唱"因为她是一个快乐的好妈妈"

我没问派对上发生了什么,但我知道在派对后的读书会上,我们所有人都不得不擦干眼泪。但我们留下了所有人的欢乐回忆,尤其是朱莉。布兰登注意到了这一点,因为他向我保证她在宴会上一点也不做。

布兰登和朱莉鼓励我和年轻人一起策划、执行、召集并在这样的“母亲答谢晚会”上发言。《新戴夫的编年史:状态残疾、残疾或古怪残疾》讲述了另一组情况,这些情况导致了一场同样不同寻常的“感谢母亲派对”

莎伦·墨菲瘫坐在大卫办公室最近的椅子上,开始深呼吸,声音清晰,这表明她极度疲惫,停止了巨大的努力。她要控制14岁儿子戴夫行为的决心,在她不断但半心半意地规劝他停止他不断的忙乱活动中继续存在。

珍妮,大卫13岁的妹妹,注意到她的母亲的警告很少或没有效果,作出绝望和鲁莽的尝试来接管她,坚持要求他“停止!”这些似乎只会让戴夫变得更过分。珍妮的愤怒是显而易见的。她愤愤不平地想要控制戴夫,结果却屡屡受挫,每次都泪流满面。然而,对于戴夫来说,这个房间似乎是一个奇妙的新鲜事物的来源,他必须探索,触摸,再触摸。

当谈话第一次中断时,大卫开始询问莎伦明显的绝望。她勇敢地向他讲述了她作为一个单身母亲,作为家庭的“养家糊口者”,作为戴夫身心的管理者所承受的无法忍受的压力。她谈到了自己的“厌倦”,因为自从戴夫出生后,她就一直“生活在边缘”。她宣称这次会面是她为避免自己的“精神崩溃”和避免将两个孩子送进寄养所所做的“最后的努力”——这是她在过去14年里所致力于的相反的前景。(43页)

她告诉我,这是她在过去10年里第28次向我推荐医生。但令她惊讶的是,让她推荐医生的担忧几乎立刻消失了。

“母亲升值党派”不幸的是,在我的反厌食/贪食阶段(1987-2006)的时期变得普遍存在这导致了许多投诉,最后在奥克兰的医院委员会查询关于这种做法,导致他们被削减。到那时,“母亲升值党派”是一个值得注意的解毒剂。

虽然我与“母亲欣赏演讲”的策划,规划和协助密切相关,但我总是拒绝参加邀请。但我不能告诉你我有多不耐烦地等待派对审查。事实上,我会定期记录并为这些母亲和女儿录制它们。它让我向这些母亲和女儿交给了这份文件的最大乐趣。她的女儿,珍妮,20岁和Jo,22岁的Gloria为Gloria实现了“超过一百人”的最高出席。

笔记

1. Epston,D。(1992)。脾气暴躁的派对:拯救面部,失去面孔,或脱掉你的脸吗?在D. Epston&M White。(1992)。经验,矛盾,叙事和想象力(第37-74页)。阿德莱德,澳大利亚:德威市中心出版物。

2. Epston,D.,Lobovits,D.,&And Freeman,J.,Murphy介绍,S.(2008)。新戴夫的年刊:Status-Bybled,Disabled或奇怪 - 受到困难的?在D. Epston,下降并结束:与叙事疗法进行旅行(第41-60页)。沃灵顿,英国:家庭治疗协会。本书的免费副本将被发送给申请的任何人(电子邮件保护)对于硬拷贝版本的PDF。我感谢家庭治疗(英国)的协会,让我以这种方式分发它。

3. Seemaisel,R.,Epston,D.,&Borden,a。(2004).bitingthhandtthattarvesvestarves:对厌食/贪食症的抗抗性。纽约:W.W.诺顿;Epston,D.,&Maisel,R.(2009)。抗厌食/贪食症:生死攸关的政治。在H. MALSON&M. Burns(EDS)中,批判女权主义方法对DIS /订单(第209-220页)。伦敦:Routledge;Epston,D。(1999)。共同研究 - 制定替代知识。从http://www.narrativeaperes检索。 com/antianorexia%20folder/anti_anorexia_index.htm; Lock, A., Epston, D., & Maisel, R. (2004). Countering that which is called anorexia. Narrative Inquiry, 14(2), 275–302; Lock, A., Epston, D., & Maisel, R. (2005). Resisting anorexia/ bulimia: Foucauldian perspectives in narrative therapy. Journal of Guidance and Counselling, 33(3), 315–332.



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